Brain Zappy Zaps

For when we need to convince ourselves that we are not convincing ourselves.

Or: Making sense of symptomatology

The day after Yom Kippur, my brain was zapping. I ignored it.

Two days after Yom Kippur, my brain was zapping and it took me 45 chaos-filled minutes to get out of the house. I ignored it.

Three days after Yom Kippur, I realized I hadn't taken any of my medications for at least four days.

That week reminded me of how long I ignored my own patterns for- and how easy that was to do.

My whole life I thought it was my personality. Turns out, it was ADHD.

A year or so before I got diagnosed, someone shared a 5mg of Adderall with me. I held on to that one pill for days- scared that it would change my life, and scared that it wouldn't. After ages of deliberating, I finally took the pill and sat down to months' worth of paperwork.

Sadly, the pill did nothing except give me a dry mouth. I assumed that meant I did not have ADHD, and so like I had been for 30 years, I went back to finding "coping strategies" to help with my "personality".

Lots of life later, I found out what it actually meant was: I have lots of ADHD and it wasn't enough Adderall. So fun.

Why did it take me 30 years + lots of life to recognize my "personality" for what it actually was? Because I convinced myself I was making it up. I convinced myself that if I just tried harder, made another to-do list, drank more water, and just flippin’ focused up, I’d be fine.

Technically, I did some of those things. And I was fine. I’d been fine my whole life, so why would that change with a diagnosis?

Ignoring the big picture

I often find that we, as people, ignore the big picture in favor of the small details. When we zoom out and look at the whole story, it becomes easier to see what we’ve been missing. It helps us take symptoms and turn them into meaning.

If you’ve ever spoken to me about diagnosing or the DSM, you’ve probably heard me say something like, “I think diagnoses are fake.” I said what I said.

“But Rivkah, you’re literally writing a blog post about diagnoses. Gasp. Betrayal. Hypocrisy.”

So valid. Let me elaborate.

I think the DSM is highly influenced by capitalism. I think mental health diagnoses come with stigma, bias, and sometimes prejudice. I think diagnoses can feel arbitrary or even meaningless at times. That said, I think diagnoses change lives. They open doors for people who’ve had them shut for years. They give meaning to what has felt meaningless.

So do I believe in diagnosing? Sort of? I guess? I do believe in people having access to the things they need to live with purpose and meaning.

The thing about finding diagnoses or medications that work for us is that we have to actually use them. That looks different for everyone. For me, not taking my meds left me with brain zaps and more chaos than necessary.

I know this because for 30 years + a lot of life, I lived without a diagnosis. I relied on “ADHD life hacks” I was color-coding my to-do lists, setting alarms every 15 minutes, and carrying sticky notes like a 4 year old carries bandaids, and I still felt like a fraud because I “didn’t really have it.”

Of course, if I were anyone except me, I would’ve questioned the heck out of that mentality. But that’s a story for another post.

This story, written long after the Adderall has left my system for the day, is this:

• Not having a diagnosis does not change the realness of your symptoms.

• Having a diagnosis can provide opportunities that are not available without one.

• Working with your symptomatology is possible with or without a diagnosis.

You are You

Your experience is your experience.

Whatever it is that you’re going through, stop telling yourself you’re making it up. Stop telling yourself you’re pretending. How would that even work? If you are pretending all the time, then you’re not pretending. You just are.

Give yourself permission to be you, exactly as you are, and to show up in this world in a way that actually works for you. Your brain, your rules- whether that means exploring diagnoses, trying medication, or just learning how to navigate your own mind, give yourself permission to do what works for you. Reach out if you are interested in exploring how therapy can help you do that.